A second chance

I found my ex on Facebook. And I hesitated, a while. But I was looking for friends, trying to re-engage with the world, trying to break my hermit habits. And I hesitated, for a while, before clicking Add As Friend.

Like old times, he was quick to Send Message, and then he sent another, telling me-warning me- that he was going to call. But in those two messages, he updated me on his father, his mother, his friends, his house, his work and his Fido minutes, so … why does he have to call? Like old times, my muscles tighten and the heart becomes shrink-wrapped. Don’t call. I won’t answer. Geez, where can I go to be unavailable?

But this could be a second chance, two decades later, to test myself, to prove I can be firm and friendly and be honest with him and with myself. This is a second chance to address old grievances and forgotten short-comings, that made me do the things I did to myself.

This second chance to say what I mean and mean what I say, and not to worry about my p’s and q’s and not to care “do they like me?” and not to think I have much to learn from these people, could be a milestone. Because the most important thing I learned didn’t come from him and the three years of marriage, but from two decades of looking for the truth. And even though I sometimes didn't like what I found, when it sometimes kicked me in the face or rear-ended me on a sunny day, it was still my journey and my discoveries and my truths (and my god, I have no one to blame but myself). This is where I am now, a place not entirely filled with peace, but my place.

And then I went to my Facebook account and hid my phone number.

-MO