Everything I need to know I learned from my home renovation

Starting is more important than deciding where to start
Feeling like you're in over your head is supposed to happen when you dive in
Ask for help when you need it and accept help when it's offered
Expect to believe you'll never finish but don't accept the belief
The majority of the change process is not fun
The last quarter of the change process is beyond fun
Accept that you'll more mistakes than you think you will
Learn that most mistakes won't turn out to be mistakes in the end
You're never really done

-AG

DIS traction

My mind is skipping beats
Continuously pulling threads
But never able to hold on long enough
To focus
To finish

Ideas settle briefly on the surface
And are soon replaced by the next and the next
Continuously arriving at places I never intended to be
Unable to retrace my steps

Mix-ups used to be just that
Small and incidental
But now, for a few seconds, I can confuse the fundamental
And then - "oh yes, of course, How could I have thought..."

Will this mind fog clear?
Can I will it to clear?
When will it become clear to others?

-AG

The spirit of Amah

As long as I could remember, I'd always wanted to be an artist. As a child, I was constantly drawing and my classmates would look at my drawings and ask me if I was going to be an artist when I grew up. Yes, I'd answer, over and over again, until it became woven into the fabric of my being. I spent my childhood convinced that I would spend my adulthood as an artist, even though I didn't know what that meant.

I suppose my parents thought it was a childish fantasy that I would outgrow, like girls' love for pink or boys' wanting to be firemen. But, at the age of twenty-six, after years of struggling to meet my parents' expectations, I finally pulled out my dream, dusted it off, and began the journey of giving it the attention it had always deserved.

So, I left the field of architecture and after a period of suffering as a starving artist, I managed to secure employment with a decorating/mural painting company in Toronto. I also recall having a conversation then with my mother where I was yet again trying to convince her that I was on the right path. Much to my shock, she agreed. In retrospect, I think she was still fully sceptical that I would be able to sustain a life as an artist, but she had finally recognized the fact that I was an adult with sufficient strength to go after dreams and to handle the disappointments. After years of looking out for me, she was able to let go. Her job was done.

A year later, she began her terrible descent into a mental illness that completely thrashed and destroyed the threads that held our family together. My father suffered the most, and yet, has remained steadfastly devoted to this day. When her paranoia began, he was almost sixty and was forced to take early retirement from his lifetime job as a schoolteacher, because it wasn't possible for him to continue working when there was a crazy woman at home calling his school everyday to ask the principal or other teachers if they had seen my father with his girlfriend.

My mother has been in a nursing home for the last 8 years. Her body is now rapidly deteriorating and who knows what the state of her mind is. She doesn't say anything anymore to my father when he visits her every day to spoon-feed her the homemade soup of soft seafood and vegetables. My father is trying to cope with his depression, as he sees his one remaining responsibility in his life slip away.

Throughout my youth, as we battled with opposing views, I never believed that my mother and I would ever see eye to eye on anything. She embodied the polar opposite of what I valued. She liked expensive, fancy clothes and jewelry, a big house in suburbia with a large master ensuite, a BMW, and vacations in casino resorts. She admired and respected people who were rich just because they were rich. She believed that the best careers were in medicine and engineering. I still don’t agree with or desire any of these things, but now that I am a mother myself, with my own hopes and dreams for my son, I can finally see where she was coming from. I also have to agree with my parents' view that it is very hard to make a living as an artist. And I did have the strength to handle the disappointment. It has been a journey and through the ups and downs, I developed skills, gained experience and I still have my talents. I know now what I am capable of, and I recognize my creative energy doesn't have to be limited to visual art. And from the years of holding onto a dream, I've cultivated determination and perseverance.

Along the way, I also found compassion for my mother. And sympathy for her dreams. And empathy for her disappointments. She too had been extremely creative and dexterous with her hands. She shared many of the talents and skills that I have, but she never tried to make a living from them, perhaps because she didn’t know how or because the barriers of language and foreign culture were just impossible for her to overcome or, perhaps because she didn't see the value in it. I realize now and completely identify with the fact that she did have a desire to make something of her own life and came up short of her expectations, and I can even see why she sometimes blamed my father for her own shortcomings. I can see all this, and for once, not let it cast a shadow over my own life.

-MO

Mr. Reality

The sunlight streams in
as I with nothing but time
construct a fantastic castle
with gemstones cut from my mind.

Piece by piece,
sometimes fast, sometimes slow,
the structure grows
more elaborate
as it reflects the light
back on my soul.

And then he comes,
and points to all
the flaws, some real,
some imaginary.

I try to deflect,
to explain, to shift
some pieces around.
And the sun disappears
leaving us standing beside
a pile of rocks.

He looks sorry,
as I turn away.

-MO

Hiatus

Baby Einstein, Jellyfish gymboree,
Budding Beethovens,
Bubbles 1, 2 and 3.

Signing babies camp,
Kickstart, Pre-ballet,
Kodaly–Orff Music: Sing! Dance! Play!

Intro to T-ball, Yoga for toddlers,
Little tots Sports,
Little kickers.

Sportball Junior,
Rink Rats, children’s tennis,
Merry Music for Babies,
Busy Little Elves,
Parent and Pee Wee pottery,
Tot Skills Soccer, Mini World Cup,
Parent and Tot ballet,
Mini Maestros, Preschool Pop,
Musical Munchkins,
Karate Parent and tot,

“STOP!”
says my child.

And I look up in amazement. My son has grown up.

-MO

Joiners

Imagine if
You entered in to every situation
Thinking
This will be good
How interesting

When instructed -"Here - Do this"
You said
Yes, sure
Of course I will
Who wouldn't

You'd wonder from place to place
Person to person
Activity to activity
With curiosity and openness

Every little gesture of good will
Every gift, no matter how small
Would be met with surprised gratitude

Imagine if
You didn't have to ...Imagine if

Ninety-nine percent politeness

We went camping on the May long week-end. Anne took us to her “secret spot” campsite, which was a little piece of wilderness paradise. There was a small rocky beach alongside a fast-flowing river, a backdrop of mountains and, the weather was kind. On our last morning, as we were cleaning and packing up, a man and his dog walked in. I stopped what I was doing and took in his unshaven face, soiled jacket, three silver earrings and his can of coke. I think I said hello when he cheerfully greeted us. Anne didn’t stop washing her plates, as she greeted him and chatted with him, in her characteristic open, friendly manner. I watched the dog sniff around our tents, and then relieve himself on a bush nearby as I continued with my packing and listened to the conversation between Anne and this man. After about 10 minutes, he bid us farewell and left. A little bit later, Anne told me she had been trying to see if the man really had cola in his can, or something stronger, and what did I think. This made me realize and appreciate another one of her life skills. While Anne was open and friendly, she was from the outset assessing him, and the act of conversation was allowing her to gather more information and to judge whether he was harmless or not. I, on the other hand, followed my own automatic response: become very reserved, give maybe one or two monosyllabic replies, and communicate an “I’ll say hello, but that’s it” air so that the person moves on. This has always been my “survival technique”, which I admit, isn’t always effective nor civil. Secondly, Anne’s conversation with this man was so disarming that I was about to offer him a danish to have with his coke (which I never for a second imagined could be anything other than a coke) and if I had, Anne might have had a little seizure as she was during this time also assessing how long it would take to get rid of this man. In the end, all was well, because the man was indeed harmless, and he left, probably with a positive feeling of humanity from his exchange with Anne. Anne also told me that she always felt fairly secure, because she wasn’t alone, and who knows what she(we) would have done if the circumstances were different. But I’d like to remember this: in 99% cases, meeting a stranger is an opportunity to be polite and to show a friendly, human side while quietly assessing and being prepared for the unexpected.


-MO

Decadence

Warm bath water
Cocoons your body
Wide expectant eyes
Waiting for the next spoonful
As I feed you like a baby bird
Pink strawberry milk
Drips down your chin
Joyous anticipation
Of tomorrow night's hockey game with Dad

-ag

Homily for First Communion

My son Luke had his first communion a couple of weeks ago, and this occasion called for one of my rare appearances at church. As I sat in the congregation, and listened to the priest's sermon, I was struck by how bad it was. In his characteristic monotone, he lamented a world that was becoming secular and pagan, and he rebuked parents for shirking their responsibility to set a good example for their child(ren) by going to church and praying regularly. I am agnostic, but I can see an opportunity for an inspiring homily, especially at a child's first communion. So, I gave myself the challenge of preparing a homily that, I would have appreciated and might have made me want to attend church a little more often.

Homily for First Communion

We are gathered here today to celebrate a very special day in the upbringing of your child in the Roman Catholic Faith.

In a world that is becoming increasingly secular, some people wonder about the relevance of the Church or even, the relevance of God. In our modern world, the spiritual meanings of holidays are fading fast in the wake of the more commercial attributes. In our modern world, the terminology used in Roman Catholic teaching may at times seem esoteric and outdated. When we talk about The Shepherd protecting his flock, there will be children and even adults who have never met a shepherd in their lives, and cannot appreciate the metaphor that was once so perfect and clear. A child may wonder why do I have to be a sheep? I'd rather be a lion or, I'd like to be a dolphin!

Is the Church relevant today? Is God relevant today? I say YES! Of Course! Now, as always! Since the beginning of all civilizations, men and women have looked for guidance, for inspiration and for answers. It is human and it is within all of us, beginning in our children who these days look for guidance and inspiration in athletes and pop stars. It is our nature; it is our need.

God gave us a hero. And He showed us and inspired us to live in goodness and love. So, as long as there exists the potential for human weakness, cruelty and suffering in this world, as long as there exists the potential for anything that makes men and women less than they are meant to be, there will be a need for God. God is Light where there is darkness. Or, even more simply put, God is Good. The origin of the English phrase "Good-bye" is often forgotten or unknown, but this blessing is still used everyday, by many. We keep using this old term because it serves a purpose. When we say goodbye, we want someone whom we won't see to be protected by God.

As parents, grandparents, as uncles and aunts, as adults in these young people's lives, it is your responsibility to feed them, to clothe them, to teach them, to protect them, and it is your blessing to love them. These children know all this comes from you and they love you right back, and this is your blessing as well. However, there are things that are beyond your control, beyond your umbrella of protection and love that your child will encounter sooner or later, and they will appreciate having God's Almighty Love to protect them. And in our modern world that is filled with endless possibilities, some of which are questionable at best, teach them the simple, good and inspiring life of Jesus. This is to be the foundation upon which they can build their lives. And if a child can begin his sheltered, happy life under the umbrella of his family's love, imagine the beautiful life the child can enjoy under the Great Umbrella of Jesus' love. Show your children that they can be safe and grow strong standing under your umbrella, but that your umbrella is under a greater, stronger Umbrella, and that you feel comforted because of this. God gave us a Gift and He continues to offer us gifts. And He continues to inspire and to help us. We can be lions or dolphins, and be great in our lives, because we are doing so with the blessing and love of our family and of God.

-MO

Sunday Evenings

When all is said and done
And you feel like there must be more
To do
To be.
Craving a need to command your attention
To stop this constant sense
That you will turn around
And the morsel you just left
Will fill you again
But there is nothing
Just the assumption that there should be something
A little
Something

-AG

Nature of the Beast

I've been helping Anne a bit with her garage cleanup. She often comments somewhat wistfully about the orderliness in my home. I never know what to say, but the other day, I found a photo that says it all.


That's my family at a beach near Montreal. I think it was our very first beach experience. My sister sits smiling beside my mother while my younger brother looks on. And that's me in the background, organizing and tidying our beach spot. I was only 5 years old and already I was a neat freak. While my family was frolicking and enjoying the sand and water, I was incessantly shaking the sand off, re-spreading the towels and putting our shoes neatly in rows. I kept doing that until my father told me to stop and go play.

-MO

Chinese Speak

The other day I was describing to my friend how I grew up in a home where my parents spoke mainly in Chinese while the children spoke only in English. Thus we communicated (or struggled to) across a generation and a culture gap for many years. Amazed, my friend wondered how effective that communication could be without the nuances of language. Nuances? Oh, we didn't have any of that.

I can understand mandarin, but I don't speak it. I recently started studying Chinese so that one day I could go to Taiwan and meet my relatives. From my 8 sessions of Mandarin Level 1, I've come to appreciate how language reflects a lot about the 2 cultures of my background. It occurred to me that in Chinese, a single word will function in many different roles. For example, the Chinese use the verb kai for drive (a car), or fly (a plane) or open (a window or door). With the exception of polite forms of address, the no-frills Chinese language serves its function with little regard for nuances. The language also doesn't have different verb forms, for singular vs plural pronouns, nor past, present, future, conditional, subjunctive, etc tenses which is characteristic of latin-based languages. Furthermore, in English, we have the single word aunt to refer to a sister of a parent or grandparent, or the wife of an uncle or great uncle. When you talk about your aunt, the listener doesn't know how she is your aunt until you elaborate. In Chinese, there are distinct terms for every kind of aunt, whether she is the wife of your father's older brother, wife of his younger brother, wife of your mother's older brother, wife of her younger brother, father's younger sister, his older sister, mother's younger sister or her older sister. By having this myriad of terms for relatives, the Chinese language immediately establishes how this person is related to you; no elaborate explanation is required. Economical and efficient. That's how the Chinese speak.

My interpersonal skills

When I am discussing something with my husband, about a topic that is of significant interest to me, I become very animated and my cultural background emerges. First, I lose command of the English language as I struggle to explain my points. I tend to think out loud, and the listener becomes a sounding board to me. Perhaps I lack an appreciation for nuances or my Chinese-ness is coming through, but I also start to speak louder and to say "no!" instead of "that's not what I mean.." or "I don't think so..." or " I see your point, but I..." or "I said this, but actually I meant..." or even, " I disagree." "No!" is my economical way of saying all of the above. Meanwhile, when my husband hears me say "no!", he thinks I'm saying "you're wrong!" So, my husband hates discussing things with me, and gets defensive and retaliatory, and I get frustrated and annoyed, and our discussions inevitably escalate into undesirable tension, and this is even when we are agreeing on something. At our last discussion, I finally saw what was happening, and pointed it out to him and he agreed. I then promised to try to calm down and to elaborate instead of just saying "no!", and I also asked him to be aware of my "discussion style" and not to dwell in his false impression that I am saying he is wrong. What a major breakthrough! It's only because I started studying Chinese that I was able to recognize this, and more; I also realized not all things in life need to be efficient like how the Chinese speak.

-MO

Ode to Luongo

Inconsistent
Great one game
Pulled the next
The captain
The one whose name is cheered
Every amazing save
Erased as he watches from the sidelines

Leaves me wondering
Could it be?
That each success
Comes when we give our all
Our whole self
And confidence rises
And rises
And its all so new
For a moment in time
We feel invinceable?

Until the inevitable happens
A failure
A public failure even
And back we go
Back back back

You fool
How could you ever have thought ...
Never give your all like that
Sprawling out
Grasping for all to see

And then we're at a loss
As we return to that familiar place
Outside of the game
Outside of ourselves
The captain on the bench

-AG

The Critic Within

You try and try and try
And hope and hope and hope
And think you’re getting better and better and better
Until – SLAM
You come face to face
With what appears to be
The cold hard truth
You’re
Just
Not
That
Good

It’s been a while since I’ve let him in
All the way in
To sit a while
And take up all the room in my soul
It’s like I’ve been bracing the door
So hard
For so long
And finally I ran out of strength
Or skill
Or both
And he comes flooding in
With a smirk on his face
And a suitcase in hand and says
“aaaahhhh… It’s good to be home”

-AG

Why You Should Teach Your Kids Hockey Pool Instead Of Chess

I was 4 years old when I first played chess. Mind you, I was just playing with the pieces, dancing them around the chessboard, and not playing against someone. I liked the look and feel of the chess pieces in my hand, and I liked the fact that there was a mom piece (queen), a dad piece (king), and all those cute little children pieces (pawns). My dad introduced me to the rules when I was about 6, and I remember my disappointment in learning that there were rules. But I caught on, and began playing real games against my dad and siblings. I learned about strategy, seeing the whole picture, and about the art of winning. In high school I joined a chess club and was a formidable opponent against the boys. In the chess club, we had timer boxes, which brought in the element of time pressure. I liked chess and I was good at it.

Now, as mother to seven year old Luke, I've recently decided not to teach him chess. I had once planned to, and even purchased a chess board, but the box remains unopened in the back of a closet, because of what I`ve realized. Many people think chess is a great, intellectual game that trains strategic thinking, which may be true. Perhaps years of playing chess developed my skills as a strategic thinker and problem solver as well as my ability to focus on a goal and meet deadlines. Perhaps also, years of playing chess developed some undesirable qualities in me such as weak interpersonal skills, strong belief system of right vs wrong, and need for control. In chess, there is only win, loss or draw - outcomes as black and white as the chess pieces themselves. The objective in chess is to use strategic moves to defeat an opponent. Unless you were an army general or pro tennis player, this is not a desirable, transferable skill in most real-life work or personal situations.

Much better than chess is NHL Playoffs hockey pooling. As hockey poolers know, there is strategy involved and analysis of data to make informed choices. More importantly, there is an aspect of chance (chance of player injury and team elimination) that is a factor. Unlike hockey pooling - and most real life situations - chess is a very controlled environment. With hockey pooling, in addition to learning about strategic thinking, there are the benefits of camaraderie and social exchanges. Yes, there are also undesirable aspects about hockey pooling, such as how hockey pools can become all-consuming and more important than anything else. It also amazes me when grown men call their players idiots when they fail to make any points for them. But last night, as I watched Luke consult and advise his six year old friend which player to add to his hockey list, I thought there was a valuable skill being developed here. From this hockey pool, the kids are learning about strategy; how to look at players` and teams` past performance and figure out which players to select. They will learn whether loyalty, i.e. choices made with the heart, will pay off. They will also learn about the factor of chance, and how they can only make the best choices and accept the outcome in an environment that is largely out of their control. With parental guidance, they will also learn how to handle losing and winning. But this is a valuable lesson, learned in any game whether in a sport, hockey pooling or chess. (FYI, the friendly hockey pool is between two families, with kids winning a pack of hockey cards, and parents vying for the traditional financial reward.)

So, with these thoughts, I`ve decided that it`s okay to teach my 7 year old about hockey pooling, and to wait a bit longer before I teach him chess.

MO