Chinese Speak

The other day I was describing to my friend how I grew up in a home where my parents spoke mainly in Chinese while the children spoke only in English. Thus we communicated (or struggled to) across a generation and a culture gap for many years. Amazed, my friend wondered how effective that communication could be without the nuances of language. Nuances? Oh, we didn't have any of that.

I can understand mandarin, but I don't speak it. I recently started studying Chinese so that one day I could go to Taiwan and meet my relatives. From my 8 sessions of Mandarin Level 1, I've come to appreciate how language reflects a lot about the 2 cultures of my background. It occurred to me that in Chinese, a single word will function in many different roles. For example, the Chinese use the verb kai for drive (a car), or fly (a plane) or open (a window or door). With the exception of polite forms of address, the no-frills Chinese language serves its function with little regard for nuances. The language also doesn't have different verb forms, for singular vs plural pronouns, nor past, present, future, conditional, subjunctive, etc tenses which is characteristic of latin-based languages. Furthermore, in English, we have the single word aunt to refer to a sister of a parent or grandparent, or the wife of an uncle or great uncle. When you talk about your aunt, the listener doesn't know how she is your aunt until you elaborate. In Chinese, there are distinct terms for every kind of aunt, whether she is the wife of your father's older brother, wife of his younger brother, wife of your mother's older brother, wife of her younger brother, father's younger sister, his older sister, mother's younger sister or her older sister. By having this myriad of terms for relatives, the Chinese language immediately establishes how this person is related to you; no elaborate explanation is required. Economical and efficient. That's how the Chinese speak.

My interpersonal skills

When I am discussing something with my husband, about a topic that is of significant interest to me, I become very animated and my cultural background emerges. First, I lose command of the English language as I struggle to explain my points. I tend to think out loud, and the listener becomes a sounding board to me. Perhaps I lack an appreciation for nuances or my Chinese-ness is coming through, but I also start to speak louder and to say "no!" instead of "that's not what I mean.." or "I don't think so..." or " I see your point, but I..." or "I said this, but actually I meant..." or even, " I disagree." "No!" is my economical way of saying all of the above. Meanwhile, when my husband hears me say "no!", he thinks I'm saying "you're wrong!" So, my husband hates discussing things with me, and gets defensive and retaliatory, and I get frustrated and annoyed, and our discussions inevitably escalate into undesirable tension, and this is even when we are agreeing on something. At our last discussion, I finally saw what was happening, and pointed it out to him and he agreed. I then promised to try to calm down and to elaborate instead of just saying "no!", and I also asked him to be aware of my "discussion style" and not to dwell in his false impression that I am saying he is wrong. What a major breakthrough! It's only because I started studying Chinese that I was able to recognize this, and more; I also realized not all things in life need to be efficient like how the Chinese speak.

-MO

Ode to Luongo

Inconsistent
Great one game
Pulled the next
The captain
The one whose name is cheered
Every amazing save
Erased as he watches from the sidelines

Leaves me wondering
Could it be?
That each success
Comes when we give our all
Our whole self
And confidence rises
And rises
And its all so new
For a moment in time
We feel invinceable?

Until the inevitable happens
A failure
A public failure even
And back we go
Back back back

You fool
How could you ever have thought ...
Never give your all like that
Sprawling out
Grasping for all to see

And then we're at a loss
As we return to that familiar place
Outside of the game
Outside of ourselves
The captain on the bench

-AG

The Critic Within

You try and try and try
And hope and hope and hope
And think you’re getting better and better and better
Until – SLAM
You come face to face
With what appears to be
The cold hard truth
You’re
Just
Not
That
Good

It’s been a while since I’ve let him in
All the way in
To sit a while
And take up all the room in my soul
It’s like I’ve been bracing the door
So hard
For so long
And finally I ran out of strength
Or skill
Or both
And he comes flooding in
With a smirk on his face
And a suitcase in hand and says
“aaaahhhh… It’s good to be home”

-AG

Why You Should Teach Your Kids Hockey Pool Instead Of Chess

I was 4 years old when I first played chess. Mind you, I was just playing with the pieces, dancing them around the chessboard, and not playing against someone. I liked the look and feel of the chess pieces in my hand, and I liked the fact that there was a mom piece (queen), a dad piece (king), and all those cute little children pieces (pawns). My dad introduced me to the rules when I was about 6, and I remember my disappointment in learning that there were rules. But I caught on, and began playing real games against my dad and siblings. I learned about strategy, seeing the whole picture, and about the art of winning. In high school I joined a chess club and was a formidable opponent against the boys. In the chess club, we had timer boxes, which brought in the element of time pressure. I liked chess and I was good at it.

Now, as mother to seven year old Luke, I've recently decided not to teach him chess. I had once planned to, and even purchased a chess board, but the box remains unopened in the back of a closet, because of what I`ve realized. Many people think chess is a great, intellectual game that trains strategic thinking, which may be true. Perhaps years of playing chess developed my skills as a strategic thinker and problem solver as well as my ability to focus on a goal and meet deadlines. Perhaps also, years of playing chess developed some undesirable qualities in me such as weak interpersonal skills, strong belief system of right vs wrong, and need for control. In chess, there is only win, loss or draw - outcomes as black and white as the chess pieces themselves. The objective in chess is to use strategic moves to defeat an opponent. Unless you were an army general or pro tennis player, this is not a desirable, transferable skill in most real-life work or personal situations.

Much better than chess is NHL Playoffs hockey pooling. As hockey poolers know, there is strategy involved and analysis of data to make informed choices. More importantly, there is an aspect of chance (chance of player injury and team elimination) that is a factor. Unlike hockey pooling - and most real life situations - chess is a very controlled environment. With hockey pooling, in addition to learning about strategic thinking, there are the benefits of camaraderie and social exchanges. Yes, there are also undesirable aspects about hockey pooling, such as how hockey pools can become all-consuming and more important than anything else. It also amazes me when grown men call their players idiots when they fail to make any points for them. But last night, as I watched Luke consult and advise his six year old friend which player to add to his hockey list, I thought there was a valuable skill being developed here. From this hockey pool, the kids are learning about strategy; how to look at players` and teams` past performance and figure out which players to select. They will learn whether loyalty, i.e. choices made with the heart, will pay off. They will also learn about the factor of chance, and how they can only make the best choices and accept the outcome in an environment that is largely out of their control. With parental guidance, they will also learn how to handle losing and winning. But this is a valuable lesson, learned in any game whether in a sport, hockey pooling or chess. (FYI, the friendly hockey pool is between two families, with kids winning a pack of hockey cards, and parents vying for the traditional financial reward.)

So, with these thoughts, I`ve decided that it`s okay to teach my 7 year old about hockey pooling, and to wait a bit longer before I teach him chess.

MO