Ambition

I work at a very large, institution of higher education and for the last 10 years I’ve reported to someone, who reports to someone, who reports to someone, who reports to the president. I guess you could call it 4DS or 4 degrees of separation. But this year, I am in a new position and I now report to someone, who reports to someone, who reports to the president or 3DS. Just one degree of separation closer but I feel as though I am in a completely different world. As it turns out I discover – I am. I am now in a world completely populated with “Type A’s”. That’s “A” for Ambitious.

They are everywhere. They are: In before 8. Not home til’ 6. In back to back meetings every hour of the day, every day of the week – sometimes double or triple booked. Often skipping lunch. Never taking breaks. In on their days off. Unlikely to take all of their vacation in any given year. The number of high priority, urgent, large scale projects on their plate at any given time is absolutely mind boggling. And what’s more mind boggling is that in the midst of that they will often volunteer to take on more work.

Just last week one of our Directors laid out her latest six-month plan at the weekly Directors meeting. There she sat – wide eyed, fresh faced, teethy grin spreading from ear to ear. All listened attentively as she painstakingly laid out the complex array of grandiose priorities, projects and plans. And then at the end – the smile widened just a bit as she declared “This is a very ambitious plan”. And at that moment a simultaneous wave of smiles, nods and approving murmurs spread throughout the room. Yes, yes, said the Vice President – A very ambitious plan. We must give her our full support. Yes indeed was the unanimous reply.

You see, down a level at 4DS – they’re not like that. Oh sure, there’s a few lunatics who burn the midnight oil and take on big harry audacious goals, but they’re the minority, and often they don’t stay down there very long because they get promoted. At 4DS, most people just don’t operate that way. They don’t look for more work than they have the capacity to do. They say “no” to one another when things get too busy. They go for coffee. They eat their lunch. They take their vacation – All of it. It’s not that they don’t work hard or never put in more than the minimum – They do- often. But they have limits, they know their limits and they keep their limits.

One of my fondest childhood memories was the arrival of the annual Christmas letter from our over-achieving cousins. We would rush to the kitchen table and my oldest brother would offer to read it aloud. Quickly he would scan and pick out the most boastful, self-aggrandizing sentences he could find. “Oh, Oh, listen to this one he would say”…“Edward has progressed to level 10 of the Western Music Academy and will be playing 1st clarinet in the Ontario Youth Orchestra this year. Andrea is progressing well with her ballet and has won a scholarship to the Julliard school of dance. It is a very competitive school with only 1% of applicants who get in so we are very very proud of her” …. “Oh my God, Give me a break- my brother would interject. My family would erupt with laughter. Then my other brother would chime in and suggest “we should send them a letter from our family.. “We could tell them, Scott was recently suspended from school for 2 days for beating up on the disabled kid at school. Hopefully the kid will recover.” I would laugh so hard that tears would fall down my face. These are my people.

So I’m in the midst of an odd kind of “supersize me” experiment right now. But instead of overdosing on fast food I am overdosing on work, commitments and deadlines. The symptoms though are remarkably similar. Insomnia, clouded thinking, exhaustion, irritability and perhaps the strangest of all – the more I take on, the more I crave. It will be short term though. It has to be. I’m not wired for this. Never was. Never will be. But for now I will continue to study this strange ambitious breed and explore their limitless world. -AG

I Don't Remember

I now have to set an alarm to remind myself to go pick up my son from school, because I find that my internal time-awareness is not so reliable anymore and I can easily forget other obligations and appointments. But, there is a good thing about my memory going soft. It's a subtle transfer of power. They never teach you about this in school.

My mother never learned to drive (not until she was a senile senior, when she could do some real damage). We went to school and back home via Yellow School Bus. I don't think my mother even walked us to the bus stop. It was our responsibility to get ready in the morning and to the bus stop on time. One morning, when I was nine and playing in my bedroom, I suddenly had a sinking feeling about the time and ran to the front door to see the bus motoring off down the street. My yells didn't stop the bus but they woke up my mother who was of course furious with me, and she had to call a cab to take me to school (I don't remember her coming with me, either). I told this to my son this morning as I drove him to school, and he was amazed that 1) my mom didn't drive and 2) I went to school by myself. I realize now that my mom's parenting style (or smaller skill set, perhaps) forced me to become self-reliant and to learn from my mistakes fast.

Now fast forward to 2011, and for my son and other kids his age, it's a very different way of life. Everything is seat-belted, helmeted, cushioned and padded - mama is a chauffeur/personal assistant who takes care of all his needs so that he can lead a smooth, safe, and untroubled existence. However, at some point, my son will have to start solving his own problems, and at the same time, he will grasp that he can even do this better than I. Hence, my aging and memory going soft. It's a frustrating, but necessary factor in the development of my child.

It's Life coming full circle. I have learned to look after myself, and then, to look after another little person, but life won't let me keep looking after him (not very well, anyway) and every time I fall short of his expectations or of meeting his needs, it should make him question status quo, and even, do something positive about it. Right? Wrong. Some days, he wants to curl up with mama looking after him, and everything else. Who can blame him? Like I said, they don't teach you this stuff in school.

by MO

What's the Point?

Once in a while, early Saturday morning, when I am the only one up in our house, and I am in the kitchen, puttering about between the toaster and kettle, I get these little ah-ha moments, where my inner philosophical mind-workings yield mini epiphanies, and sometimes, they are so staggering, that I have to record them, because maybe, I think there may be someone, like the children I know today, who may read them and use them to avoid the major pitfalls in life or arm themselves with these short-cuts if they ever find themselves wandering through the forests of despair.

This morning, I had one. And I thought it was a very good one to share on this blog. So, I made myself a coffee, turned on the computer, and could not remember how to log on, because it's been so long since I last blogged here. I did jot down the info somewhere, but I couldn't remember where I had put it, and after about an hour of fruitless keyboard attempts and of looking through my piles of notebooks for the login info, I finally sent off an e-mail to Anne Gomez, who has kept the original e-mail I sent her of the login info which I had set up. Then, it was time to make breakfast for the other members of the family and other Saturday morning tasks, like pulling out the oven to clean off the inch of dust and grease on its side, time for reading a couple of chapters from my latest Laugh Out Loud library book, and time for a nap (I did get up early this morning) before I checked my e-mail and got the info from AG.

But by now, I have completely forgotten the mind-boggling Meaning-of-Life observation I made this morning. Or, maybe, it wasn't even that good...

by MO