A second chance

I found my ex on Facebook. And I hesitated, a while. But I was looking for friends, trying to re-engage with the world, trying to break my hermit habits. And I hesitated, for a while, before clicking Add As Friend.

Like old times, he was quick to Send Message, and then he sent another, telling me-warning me- that he was going to call. But in those two messages, he updated me on his father, his mother, his friends, his house, his work and his Fido minutes, so … why does he have to call? Like old times, my muscles tighten and the heart becomes shrink-wrapped. Don’t call. I won’t answer. Geez, where can I go to be unavailable?

But this could be a second chance, two decades later, to test myself, to prove I can be firm and friendly and be honest with him and with myself. This is a second chance to address old grievances and forgotten short-comings, that made me do the things I did to myself.

This second chance to say what I mean and mean what I say, and not to worry about my p’s and q’s and not to care “do they like me?” and not to think I have much to learn from these people, could be a milestone. Because the most important thing I learned didn’t come from him and the three years of marriage, but from two decades of looking for the truth. And even though I sometimes didn't like what I found, when it sometimes kicked me in the face or rear-ended me on a sunny day, it was still my journey and my discoveries and my truths (and my god, I have no one to blame but myself). This is where I am now, a place not entirely filled with peace, but my place.

And then I went to my Facebook account and hid my phone number.

-MO

Motherless

Finally
A pocket of quiet time
My mind exhales

Cycling through waves of anticipation
That there ought to be someone;
Someone I could call
Someone I could tell about this or that
Someone who would say how clever
How nice
How wonderful
How great it is that I'm so great

The actor on the stage
Exuberant and unrestrained
The lights go up
But the audience is gone

-AG