Growing

I didn't see him slap his friend's face the first time. I only heard M say, "don't slap my face" as we were walking into McDonald's. I immediately told my son to keep his hands to himself, trying to find the right balance between being stern and cool about it, so as not to dampen the atmosphere of our fun little outing. Then later, while chatting with my husband at the table, in my peripheral vision, I saw my boy reach out and slap his best friend's face. It was just a soft swipe, but the idea...I immediately grabbed his arm and with my teeth clenched, I told him to say sorry. "I'm sorry," he said looking at me. Still angry, I told him not to apologize to me, but to M. Then I made it very clear to him that he was NEVER to slap M or anyone else in the face, and if he did, he would suffer the consequences, something like beloved DS would be confiscated for a year. Then I told M to let me know if my son were ever to slap him. My son was immediately rueful and the mood was low for a while, until my husband stepped in to buy the boys ice cream.

A few days later, I participated in my son's walk-a-thon. I stayed in the back, to shepherd the laggers, and thus for 10 km, I followed and watched 32 grade 4 children entertaining each other as they marched along. When I saw one boy slap his friend's face, I realized that this was probably where my son learned it. Again, it was just a soft swipe, between buddies, and the receiver didn't seem to mind, but just laughed. I even wondered if my son ever got his face slapped, and how he dealt with it.

But the real point of this, is that I am realizing that my son is exposed to the antics of his peers and of the world around him - all that shapes him, and makes him the person he is and will become. My husband and I are still an influence of course, and we have his attention because he knows we support him, look after him, and of course love him. He will do things to please us and avoid other stuff if he knows we don't like it. We have expectations and hopes. He knows this too. There may come a time when he rebels against us and everything we value, as he tries to find himself. And I will try to remember not to show disappointment, if there is any, because there may be. Because he is my son, I have expectations. When the other boy slapped his friend's face, I didn't jump in and tell him not to, as I did with my son, because I don't invest my energy with other children as I do with my son. When my son is an adult, I will still love him, and I will not be scolding him any more (Oh god, I hope not), that job will be done. At some point, he will learn to do things to please himself and challenge himself, and not us nor anyone else, as it should be. And when he does, I will remember to be proud.

-MO

High Maintenance

I talked with my older brother on the phone tonight. At one point the conversation turned to the topic of his adult children. "How is Lynn doing?", I asked. "She's going to be moving back east in November." he said. My voice raised an octave "Wow that's great news. You guys must be happy that she'll be moving closer to home". "We'll see", he said.... She can be high maintenance." He then proceeded to go through a list of criticisms that he obviously has gone through many times before. She's got herself into an unmanageable level of debt despite making a good salary; She spent it all on trips and clothes - has nothing to show; She's a complete slob; She's always worried about her weight; The only problem she's ever had in her whole life is with boyfriends; Most people would love her life but she just takes it all for granted.

How? I ask myself - How can it possibly be that he could speak this way about his own child. How did he ever lose that unconditional love and total admiration that he must have had for her when she was young. It reminded me of someone talking about their ex-spouse. At one time they may have loved them with all their hearts - but then they woke up and saw them for what they really were. The initial love was a complete facade.

But that's just not possible. The initial love for a child is never a facade. In fact it's probably the most real experience we'll ever have in our entire lives. There's something else going on here I think.... A leftover effect of the inevitable separation and rejection that comes when our children enter adulthood. It hurts deeply and yet there is no socially acceptable way to express it. We're supposed to simply let go and be glad for their growing sense of independence. But as with all denied pain, it festers and grows and looks for a new home. Anger always seems to have a vacancy. It's high maintenance though.-AG