State of mind

Let’s see if I can remember how it went…

My sister and I were riding in a car with my father, who was driving. My sister had just won an award and we were on our way to collect it, all of us in great spirits.

I suddenly realize that my son, L, is somewhere waiting for me to come pick him up, but I am horribly late, and I also have no idea where he is. I can only hope that he will call me on my cellphone, but for some reason it's not working. At this point, a Rogers sales rep arrives with a new phone. I explain to him that I need my phone to be ready for an important call from my son. He tells me that I simply need to activate my new phone and then leaves. I frantically struggle for the next few minutes trying to get my phone to work, but it further breaks into several pieces. My sister and father are unable to help. I am overcome by an awful sinking feeling that L is stranded somewhere, alone and lost. I work on the phone, concentrating hard. I cannot focus on anything but the object of fixing the phone.

And as my body slowly wakes, I struggle to stay asleep so that I can fix the damn phone. I am becoming aware of my bed and the morning light, but my mind is also still trying to put the pieces of the phone together. Finally, I start to understand that I was dreaming, and more importantly, that I don’t need to fix the phone, because L is safe and asleep in the next room. But it takes me a long time. I almost don’t trust myself to turn over onto my other side, to stop thinking about the phone, to accept this new reality.

And the next thing I thought was that this must have been what it was like for my mother in her moments of dementia.