High Maintenance

I talked with my older brother on the phone tonight. At one point the conversation turned to the topic of his adult children. "How is Lynn doing?", I asked. "She's going to be moving back east in November." he said. My voice raised an octave "Wow that's great news. You guys must be happy that she'll be moving closer to home". "We'll see", he said.... She can be high maintenance." He then proceeded to go through a list of criticisms that he obviously has gone through many times before. She's got herself into an unmanageable level of debt despite making a good salary; She spent it all on trips and clothes - has nothing to show; She's a complete slob; She's always worried about her weight; The only problem she's ever had in her whole life is with boyfriends; Most people would love her life but she just takes it all for granted.

How? I ask myself - How can it possibly be that he could speak this way about his own child. How did he ever lose that unconditional love and total admiration that he must have had for her when she was young. It reminded me of someone talking about their ex-spouse. At one time they may have loved them with all their hearts - but then they woke up and saw them for what they really were. The initial love was a complete facade.

But that's just not possible. The initial love for a child is never a facade. In fact it's probably the most real experience we'll ever have in our entire lives. There's something else going on here I think.... A leftover effect of the inevitable separation and rejection that comes when our children enter adulthood. It hurts deeply and yet there is no socially acceptable way to express it. We're supposed to simply let go and be glad for their growing sense of independence. But as with all denied pain, it festers and grows and looks for a new home. Anger always seems to have a vacancy. It's high maintenance though.-AG