Growing

I didn't see him slap his friend's face the first time. I only heard M say, "don't slap my face" as we were walking into McDonald's. I immediately told my son to keep his hands to himself, trying to find the right balance between being stern and cool about it, so as not to dampen the atmosphere of our fun little outing. Then later, while chatting with my husband at the table, in my peripheral vision, I saw my boy reach out and slap his best friend's face. It was just a soft swipe, but the idea...I immediately grabbed his arm and with my teeth clenched, I told him to say sorry. "I'm sorry," he said looking at me. Still angry, I told him not to apologize to me, but to M. Then I made it very clear to him that he was NEVER to slap M or anyone else in the face, and if he did, he would suffer the consequences, something like beloved DS would be confiscated for a year. Then I told M to let me know if my son were ever to slap him. My son was immediately rueful and the mood was low for a while, until my husband stepped in to buy the boys ice cream.

A few days later, I participated in my son's walk-a-thon. I stayed in the back, to shepherd the laggers, and thus for 10 km, I followed and watched 32 grade 4 children entertaining each other as they marched along. When I saw one boy slap his friend's face, I realized that this was probably where my son learned it. Again, it was just a soft swipe, between buddies, and the receiver didn't seem to mind, but just laughed. I even wondered if my son ever got his face slapped, and how he dealt with it.

But the real point of this, is that I am realizing that my son is exposed to the antics of his peers and of the world around him - all that shapes him, and makes him the person he is and will become. My husband and I are still an influence of course, and we have his attention because he knows we support him, look after him, and of course love him. He will do things to please us and avoid other stuff if he knows we don't like it. We have expectations and hopes. He knows this too. There may come a time when he rebels against us and everything we value, as he tries to find himself. And I will try to remember not to show disappointment, if there is any, because there may be. Because he is my son, I have expectations. When the other boy slapped his friend's face, I didn't jump in and tell him not to, as I did with my son, because I don't invest my energy with other children as I do with my son. When my son is an adult, I will still love him, and I will not be scolding him any more (Oh god, I hope not), that job will be done. At some point, he will learn to do things to please himself and challenge himself, and not us nor anyone else, as it should be. And when he does, I will remember to be proud.

-MO